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Nothing life changing has to happen for me to retreat into the back of my mind. Lately it’s been every little thing. I spend most of my nights fighting anxiety attacks by drowning my mind in music or cutting the palms of my hands. I spend my days cleaning and busying myself so I can’t think about anything. It takes all of my power to keep myself composed, most days. Most days. Do you know what days I don’t feel so bad? The days I see you. Even the next day. I’m flooded with so much happiness and love, that those days aren’t as difficult for me. I don’t fight back the urge to burn myself or cut my skin. I don’t get anxious or have a panic attack. I feel whole again. And those moments I wouldn’t trade for anything. Because the moment I see you or hear your voice, my mind just stops racing. And it’s just you. The pain stops and every worry in the world ends. I feel a perfect calm, and I can’t even explain how you do it.
I could really use you tonight. Because I don’t think I can stop myself.

For a moment I thought things were calming down and getting better. I was so wrong. living-a-horrible-dream's depressive thoughts (August 19th, 2014)


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